the day before saturday

“So, all set?” asked Atul, a wry smile on his face.
“All set for what?”
“Well, tomorrow is Saturday”
“And…”
“You’re not fooling anybody with your innocence; I know you’re not just anxious but actually shitting in your pants out of nervousness”
“Why the hell should I be anxious? Just because tomorrow is a Saturday! Gimme a break, I have no ‘weekdayphobia’”
“You and Swati are going out tomorrow” he retorted, as if it was the end of the world.
“Is that what you think is making me shit-in-my-pants?” I mocked, “You’re out of your mind”.
“You are one strange guy. You’re meeting that girl, the one you have a genuine crush on, for the first time, and you are not anxious!” he asked incredulously. “Or, have you prepared already?”
“Prepared?? You sound as if it is an interview. What am I supposed to prepare eh! A brief introduction of myself? A list of my hobbies?” I was satirical.
“Exactly man! This is an interview, the biggest yet of your college life. It is not about a job and money, but about how well you get to spend the remaining 2 years of college. All your happiness from now on depends on this one meeting. But from the look on your face, I do not think you recognize the importance. Don’t worry, you are new to this scene, I’ll teach you!” he replied, irritatingly smug.
“And why do you think you are an expert on the subject?”
“Because I have a girlfriend” he replied in a sing-sing voice.
“I know I will regret this…”
Atul cleared his throat and started, “first, you need to understand why exactly you need to prepare for your first date. The point is you have no idea what might be interpreted from what you say. Female understanding lies beyond the realms of the logically explained world. You might say “I like watching action movies”, and in all sincerity you are referring to genuine action movies, but she might think you like watching porn. Getting the idea?”
“Not exactly…”
“We’ll get to misinterpretation later, first let me iterate the Ten Commandments of a first date, and in general for all subsequent meetings:
One, thou shalt listen with patience everything she says. Remember, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g she says.
Two, thou shalt not seek truth nor logic in any statement.
Three, thou shalt comment favorably on her dress and her looks, no matter what.
Four, in no case thou art to mention any other girl unless she is a part of an ugly gossip.
Five, thou shalt not talk of any movies other than Kuchh Kuchh hota hai and DDLJ.
Six, thou shalt not talk of any books other than Gone with the wind and Five point someone.
Seven, thou shalt not admit that you hate Enrique Iglesias and think the back street boys are gay. Do not, in any circumstances mention Iron maiden and Pink Floyd.
Eight, thou shalt pay all the bills.
Nine, thou shalt admit that thou love shopping.
And ten, the last and the most important one, thou shalt not say thou love her, under any circumstances or let her say the same. Because if you do, you’re doomed. Understood?”
“I get the first nine, and I may even claim that I understand them, but why the last one? Why cannot I say I love her, if eventually I do get to that stage?” I asked.
“Because you are a free man, and wish to remain so, atleast till you are 25. Saying you love her spells commitment, something no man, let alone you, has any idea about. So just stay out of uncharted territory”.
“Okay..” I replied skeptically.
“Fine, so let us start with the micro aspect of things. What are you going to wear?”
“Clothes” I joked
“This is serious man” Atul looked genuinely serious
“You are the ‘teacher’ so you’d better enlighten me regarding this as well ‘sir’” I couldn’t help mocking him.
“NO message T-shirts, because she’ll never get the joke and think that you are a geek. NO formal wear, party wear etc. got it?”
“So what do I do, go there in my underpants?”
“Shut up! Just choose a solid color t-shirt and jeans. And be prepared to defend the question why you like that particular color”
“Fine so the dress question is sorted out. What next?” I was still wondering how one could think, in such vivid detail about one silly date. But it seemed Atul had, so I played along.
“Next, what coffee are you going to order?”
“Black, the usual. Now don’t tell me even that have severe ramifications”
“The entire dumbness god created, he put it in you!” Atul said with mock desperation. “Never, ever order black coffee in front of a girl. You might think it’s very masculine, but she’ll think you like to drink shit. Order something cold, with lots of cream and chocolate; for both of you. Always order what she’s ordering. Remember, all girls like chocolate”
“All girls like chocolate… all girls like chocolate.. Okay, that is pretty easy to remember” I said.
“Okay, so clothes and drink can now be ticked off from the check list. Oh yes, another important tip, talk to her face, not her…”
“For god’s sake Atul, shut up. I’m an adult. Okay! I understand basic etiquettes. And now if you’re over with your tips, I think we have a lecture to attend” I said, with some ferocity.
Actually the whole idea appalled me. Why should I think of all that stuff before meeting a girl? I mean, why can’t I just be myself? Why all the pretending? Agreed that I am a bit nervous and for once, I think it matters to me what she thinks of me, but still I want her to see me, as I am, not some frustrated maniac who would act the way she wants! If she likes it, okay, if not, her problem! Not mine!
I shambled along Atul to the classroom. Another somnolent lecture! God, why did I choose to study engineering??

“Hi! Sorry I’m late. But I guess girls can afford to be a bit late, we have a reputation to consider” she says as she takes the chair right in front of me. I had thought previously that I’d stand up and pull the chair up for her but somehow I forget. I forget too many things. She’s wearing a white salwar suit, her hair, straight, caressing her face. Her eyes, looking directly at me, oh.. Those dreamy deep eyes.
“Th.. That’s okay”. Why are the words getting all entangled in my vocal chords? Come on! clear your throat. I think to myself.
She takes a deep breath “Finally!” she says.
“Yeah! Finally”
“I was waiting for you to ask me out, but I think I’d have waited forever and that day would have never come. I gather you have some complex when it comes to talking to girls, am I right?”
Boy she’s direct.
“Not exactly, its just that, having seen what goes on in college, I have developed some kind of revulsion to the whole concept of asking girls out.”
This time the words come out easily, this is not that difficult.
“Neverthless we are here”
Why does she have to say the obvious? I get a fleeting memory of something about how humans talk frequently, some reference in a science fiction novel, but I decide against saying it.
“Yes, we are”
The waiter looms around. I hate it when the waiters do that at cafes; hanging around to take our orders, as if we would leave without having anything.
“I’ll have one espresso, black!” she declares, to my utter surprise. “you?”
“Th.. the same” I stumble.
Now how could she order a black coffee? This is completely out of line.
“What happened?” she asks, and I think the look of incredulity on my face could have made anyone ask that.
“No.. Nothing”
“Hey that’s a nice song they’re playing! I never thought these guys played songs like these. All I’ve heard at cafes is either that crazy boy band ‘BSB’ ”

Suddenly my attention is drawn towards the song. The Eagles are singing ‘Welcome to the hotel California, such a nice surprise..’ Well obviously it is a nice surprise that she likes the song.

“You like the song!” I speak more incredulously than questioningly.
“ Don’t you? I just love listening to The Eagles and Deep Purple. What music do you listen to?”
“I.. I listen to Pink floyd and metallica. In general I like classic rock” I say, but somehow my speech is not coherent with my thoughts. She’s one strange girl.
“ How long are we here?” she asks.
Now what kind of a question is that? Does she want to leave? Am I making her uncomfortable?
“ What do you mean?”
“I meant to ask are you in a hurry?”
“No, Why?”
“I heard you liked playing chess! I too fancy myself as a decent player. How about a game?”
I can only nod. She gets up to get the chessboard.
MY head seems to be full of cotton wool. Even god cannot take so any surprises at once, I’m only human. What the hell is happening? Am I dreaming? And in one crazy moment I decide to pinch myself and confirm my status.

“OUCH!!”
Heads turn to look at me.
“Ah!, so Mr. Dubey finally decided to come to the real world of Digital signal processing. Welcome! What happened? A bad dream” Sarcasm drips from Professor Gupta’s voice. I look around, bleary eyed and embaressed.
“S..Sorry sir!”
“Get out of the class. NOW!!”
I walk out, among laughs and mock snoring sounds; still numbed by the shocks I got in the dream.
I have’nt met her yet and my mind is already playing tricks! I wonder if girls possess some supernatural powers. Are they from another planet? On a mission to distract the boys?

300 : movie review

Two years ago, Troy set the standards for a good war movie. 300 is here to redefine those standards. Based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller, the movie is about how 300 Spartans driven by nationalism and the deep desire for freedom; take on a million strong Persian army. The story has its own connotation of the standard formula of love, patriotism, friendship and betrayal, but that does not make it another stereotypical movie. The movie stands out with its incredible special effects. The breathtaking sequences rivet you to the seats and the prodigious use of color and shade gives the viewer a surreal feeling of actually being on the battlefield, ‘feeling’ what the soldiers felt. The soundtrack is a delightful mix of metal and classical Arabic music giving it a mystic yet powerful sound.
Grerad Butler as King Loenadis gives every frame he is present in, a sense of immense power and Rodrigo Sentaro as the Persian king, a sense of mystic horror. The real strength of the movie are the dialogues, most of which have been picked as it is from the novel. The realism of the sets and the attention to detail makes it a treat to watch.
The movie has a lot to offer, don’t miss it.

V-Day

“Hey man, how do I look?”
Before me stood Ranjan, looking a bit cleaner and better dressed than usual; shaved and smelling strongly of deodorant. However, college brings to you the insatiable hunger for leg pulling, so I replied “A dumbass, as usual”
“You’re useless” he retorted and turned his questioning glance to Atul who was standing beside me.
“Cool, man. You are looking good. Just get that glob of gel off from your hair” he replied in an even tone.
“Oh! The gel” he said, retrieving the excess gel from his hair. “Thanks man!” and he walked away, with an unfamiliar gait. There was an unusual spring in his step, opposed to his regular shambling, shuffling walk.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked Atul. “Since when did Ranjan start looking so well after his toilet?”
“Since he decided to ask Nidhi out”.
“ Whaaaat?” I broke into fits of laughter. “Ranjan,…… asking….Nidhi out!! Joke of the year” “and when did he get this brainwave?” I still could not stop chuckling.
“Well, its 13th feb today”
“Duh! And how is that supposed to be an answer?”
“You’re slow are’nt you! Today is 13th feb, that means tomorrow is 14th feb, that means tomorrow is Valentine’s day. Is that sufficient for an answer?” Atul said, irritatingly stressing on every syllable. “You read Sherlock Holmes, and you still could not notice the signs? See the girls gathering in groups, giggling away more regularly than usual. See the sudden burst of color in the dresses both the sexes wear to college; it’s almost a fashion parade. Guys talking loudly about how great they are and stealing glances to make sure that the right ears are hearing it. The bustle in the canteen is an obvious give away. Come on man, wake up. Love is in the air.”
“Riiiiight. Valentine’s day!” I was mocking and satirical. He caught the tone.
“You are the only guy I know around here who responds to Valentine’s Day with such ‘enthusiasm,’” he stressed on enthusiasm.
“There is no love in the air, just dung in their heads. And I do not wish to associate petty days to something as eternal and pure as love”. I said with some vigor in my voice.
“All single men….”
“May hell take you now”. I cut him off, or I’d have to listen to his frustrating dictum that goes ‘All single men hate anything remotely associated with couples and the pleasures contained therein’. He thinks it’s a great quote, I maintain in all sincerity that it his way of telling me ‘I have a girlfriend and you have none’.
I have often tried to answer the question “Do I need a girlfriend?” and as soon as I ask this question to myself, I am redirected to a more fundamental question “What exactly is a girlfriend?” I have thought and thought, but I have not arrived to a satisfactory answer yet. Now in my view a girlfriend is exactly what the word tells, a girl who is your friend. Someone you can talk to and hang out with sometime, exchange opinions, share a few jokes; that is it. Just as you do it with some other guy who is your friend.
“Is it necessary to ask her out to coffee before you can start talking?”
“Is it mandatory that we talk for hours on phone?”
“Am I bound by an unwritten contract that I’m not supposed to talk much or go out with another girl?”
“Is it compulsory that we go on long drives and try to act romantic all the time?”
The point is that people confuse friendship with girls as love, something i’m unable to digest. As usual, I have more questions than I am able to answer. So I finally give up looking for a definition and here I am, confused.
Now this does not indicate that I cannot differentiate between friendship and love and that I do not understand what a crush is. It is only that my definitions do not fit the layman’s definition.
Getting back to Atul and me.
“ Why are you so sore about people having girlfriends?” Atul asked.
“Who says I’m sore? “ I retorted in a voice that almost betrayed me.
“Well, if you’re not sore, why are you so irritated?” He continued mocking me.
We had reached the canteen, and I was really getting irritated with this self-obsessed Mr. I have a girlfriend. Now Atul is a very good friend of mine, and debates are our favorite mode of conversation. Excitable, as I am, I started off, answering his question, a bit louder than usual.
“ I am not irritated nor am I sore about not having a girlfriend. The point is that all this mindless talk about Valentines Day and ‘loove’ is getting on my nerves. And to top it all, our immaculate bollywood has created a strange compulsion in the minds of students that ‘if we are in college, we need to hang out with the opposite sex’. So, everyone who walks into college; you,” “ and the guy there” I said pointing randomly “and the young lady there” I moved my pointing finger “all come to college thinking that this is a place where I’ll find my soul mate, and then there will be music and a happy ending to another Hindi movie. These people have diluted the whole concept of love. It is not just about having coffees or going on drives; it is about care, concern and understanding. And with the skewed perception of love, the great college crowd is also tarnishing friendship. Mind you, our country is not America where you go around kissing every girl and shagging like rabbits. Apart from this, the people who I think are in love become so impractical that I’m scared of falling in love. Now, I have nothing against being friends with girls or being in love with them. But be friends or lovers, because you want to, not because you should. Anyways, valentine’s day is such a shoddy copy of a western tradition, that I involuntarily hate it.”
“Bu….” Atul started saying something but I cut him off.
“ But if you think that people need to have a particular day to express themselves and act crazy, they can go ahead. Being practical, I’m okay with valentine’s day as long as it stays away from me”.
Mock applause broke out as I ended. Some of our friends had gathered and were listening to what I had been shouting about. The smiles showed that they found my genuine feelings comic. Anyways joining the joke, I too laughed.
As Atul and I sat to have our lunch, looking over my back, he said, “there she is!”
In one moment I whirled around, and in the same moment I decided not to whirl around resulting in an odd screeching of my chair that made everyone in the canteen turn and see.
Atul started laughing like mad.
A brief interlude here let Atul laugh while I tell you about ‘her’. You see, after all that I had said and keep on saying, I’m a guy. ‘She’ is my only genuine crush, Swati. Quoting Atul here “ Even after being the dumb chauvinist that you are, you picked the one single most beautiful girl in college”. I always say that looks are only 40/100 in my scale for a girl. A lot of other things count, but he starts rolling his eyes and the conversation ends there. In Swati’s case, the rest 60/100 come from her attitude, the things she does in college. Her hobbies are reading and music, same as mine. I found it all out without having talked to her once. Being bold and outspoken melts away when it comes to girls. Somehow, I cannot! Probably it is my non co-ed schooling, or the ‘no talking to girls’ scene at home. And to top it all, Atul keeps saying, half the college is after her; you do not stand a chance. Now it is not that I want a chance. I just find her interesting, and would have liked to talk to her sometime. But I never had the courage, or the deep urge to actually do that.
Atul had suddenly stopped laughing and was staring at something behind me. “She’s coming towards us”.
And before I could say what or why, she was standing right in front of me.
She smiled at Atul, turned to me and said “ Hi”.
Now let me tell you there are 7 distinct types of Hi’s that a girl uses. First is the ultimate girly ‘hii…..’ that they generally use when meeting others of their clan ( it is generally accompanied with squeals and flapping of hands like hens). Second is the normal ‘Hi’ almost similar to the only one type of Hi in the guys dictionary. The third is the love laced, toothy ‘Hi’ that is used when they meet their ‘declared’ boyfriend. Then there is the ‘Hey’, some uptown girls use, and sounds slightly snobbish. The fifth is “who the hell are you?” hi and the sixth is “don’t dare to talk to me you moron” type hi. But this Hi, which Swati used, was the seventh and the most dangerous type of Hi. It is the dreaded “ I know you have been looking at me for long but don’t have the guts to talk” type hi.
I forced my lips to a stupid smile and said ‘Hi’ (there is only one hi that boys use, they are more simple and practical than girls)
She smiled, carelessly cleared a strand of hair from her face and said “ Could I talk to you for a moment?” and looked at Atul.
He was out of his chair in a fraction of a second “Sure…”
She sat in the vacated chair. Smiled, looked down, then up. Her hand went to her hair again. She then took a deep breath “ I have been wanting to talk to you for long”
The number of thoughts that crossed my mind in that moment would require and entire book of description, thus I skip that part. I somehow found my voice and replied “ s..same here”
Nobody spoke for a second or two. I knew I had to speak. In one moment of supreme confidence I said “well why don’t we then get together sometime and talk? How about Saturday?” Yes, I had done it.
“Sure, give me a call. You have my number?”
“Yes” and having said that I realized, she might ask, how did you get my number. But she did not. She just smiled knowingly and left.

After all that I have said and all that has happened, I have no idea weather I like Valentines Day or not. Whatever it may be, it has interesting consequences.