the day before saturday

“So, all set?” asked Atul, a wry smile on his face.
“All set for what?”
“Well, tomorrow is Saturday”
“And…”
“You’re not fooling anybody with your innocence; I know you’re not just anxious but actually shitting in your pants out of nervousness”
“Why the hell should I be anxious? Just because tomorrow is a Saturday! Gimme a break, I have no ‘weekdayphobia’”
“You and Swati are going out tomorrow” he retorted, as if it was the end of the world.
“Is that what you think is making me shit-in-my-pants?” I mocked, “You’re out of your mind”.
“You are one strange guy. You’re meeting that girl, the one you have a genuine crush on, for the first time, and you are not anxious!” he asked incredulously. “Or, have you prepared already?”
“Prepared?? You sound as if it is an interview. What am I supposed to prepare eh! A brief introduction of myself? A list of my hobbies?” I was satirical.
“Exactly man! This is an interview, the biggest yet of your college life. It is not about a job and money, but about how well you get to spend the remaining 2 years of college. All your happiness from now on depends on this one meeting. But from the look on your face, I do not think you recognize the importance. Don’t worry, you are new to this scene, I’ll teach you!” he replied, irritatingly smug.
“And why do you think you are an expert on the subject?”
“Because I have a girlfriend” he replied in a sing-sing voice.
“I know I will regret this…”
Atul cleared his throat and started, “first, you need to understand why exactly you need to prepare for your first date. The point is you have no idea what might be interpreted from what you say. Female understanding lies beyond the realms of the logically explained world. You might say “I like watching action movies”, and in all sincerity you are referring to genuine action movies, but she might think you like watching porn. Getting the idea?”
“Not exactly…”
“We’ll get to misinterpretation later, first let me iterate the Ten Commandments of a first date, and in general for all subsequent meetings:
One, thou shalt listen with patience everything she says. Remember, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g she says.
Two, thou shalt not seek truth nor logic in any statement.
Three, thou shalt comment favorably on her dress and her looks, no matter what.
Four, in no case thou art to mention any other girl unless she is a part of an ugly gossip.
Five, thou shalt not talk of any movies other than Kuchh Kuchh hota hai and DDLJ.
Six, thou shalt not talk of any books other than Gone with the wind and Five point someone.
Seven, thou shalt not admit that you hate Enrique Iglesias and think the back street boys are gay. Do not, in any circumstances mention Iron maiden and Pink Floyd.
Eight, thou shalt pay all the bills.
Nine, thou shalt admit that thou love shopping.
And ten, the last and the most important one, thou shalt not say thou love her, under any circumstances or let her say the same. Because if you do, you’re doomed. Understood?”
“I get the first nine, and I may even claim that I understand them, but why the last one? Why cannot I say I love her, if eventually I do get to that stage?” I asked.
“Because you are a free man, and wish to remain so, atleast till you are 25. Saying you love her spells commitment, something no man, let alone you, has any idea about. So just stay out of uncharted territory”.
“Okay..” I replied skeptically.
“Fine, so let us start with the micro aspect of things. What are you going to wear?”
“Clothes” I joked
“This is serious man” Atul looked genuinely serious
“You are the ‘teacher’ so you’d better enlighten me regarding this as well ‘sir’” I couldn’t help mocking him.
“NO message T-shirts, because she’ll never get the joke and think that you are a geek. NO formal wear, party wear etc. got it?”
“So what do I do, go there in my underpants?”
“Shut up! Just choose a solid color t-shirt and jeans. And be prepared to defend the question why you like that particular color”
“Fine so the dress question is sorted out. What next?” I was still wondering how one could think, in such vivid detail about one silly date. But it seemed Atul had, so I played along.
“Next, what coffee are you going to order?”
“Black, the usual. Now don’t tell me even that have severe ramifications”
“The entire dumbness god created, he put it in you!” Atul said with mock desperation. “Never, ever order black coffee in front of a girl. You might think it’s very masculine, but she’ll think you like to drink shit. Order something cold, with lots of cream and chocolate; for both of you. Always order what she’s ordering. Remember, all girls like chocolate”
“All girls like chocolate… all girls like chocolate.. Okay, that is pretty easy to remember” I said.
“Okay, so clothes and drink can now be ticked off from the check list. Oh yes, another important tip, talk to her face, not her…”
“For god’s sake Atul, shut up. I’m an adult. Okay! I understand basic etiquettes. And now if you’re over with your tips, I think we have a lecture to attend” I said, with some ferocity.
Actually the whole idea appalled me. Why should I think of all that stuff before meeting a girl? I mean, why can’t I just be myself? Why all the pretending? Agreed that I am a bit nervous and for once, I think it matters to me what she thinks of me, but still I want her to see me, as I am, not some frustrated maniac who would act the way she wants! If she likes it, okay, if not, her problem! Not mine!
I shambled along Atul to the classroom. Another somnolent lecture! God, why did I choose to study engineering??

“Hi! Sorry I’m late. But I guess girls can afford to be a bit late, we have a reputation to consider” she says as she takes the chair right in front of me. I had thought previously that I’d stand up and pull the chair up for her but somehow I forget. I forget too many things. She’s wearing a white salwar suit, her hair, straight, caressing her face. Her eyes, looking directly at me, oh.. Those dreamy deep eyes.
“Th.. That’s okay”. Why are the words getting all entangled in my vocal chords? Come on! clear your throat. I think to myself.
She takes a deep breath “Finally!” she says.
“Yeah! Finally”
“I was waiting for you to ask me out, but I think I’d have waited forever and that day would have never come. I gather you have some complex when it comes to talking to girls, am I right?”
Boy she’s direct.
“Not exactly, its just that, having seen what goes on in college, I have developed some kind of revulsion to the whole concept of asking girls out.”
This time the words come out easily, this is not that difficult.
“Neverthless we are here”
Why does she have to say the obvious? I get a fleeting memory of something about how humans talk frequently, some reference in a science fiction novel, but I decide against saying it.
“Yes, we are”
The waiter looms around. I hate it when the waiters do that at cafes; hanging around to take our orders, as if we would leave without having anything.
“I’ll have one espresso, black!” she declares, to my utter surprise. “you?”
“Th.. the same” I stumble.
Now how could she order a black coffee? This is completely out of line.
“What happened?” she asks, and I think the look of incredulity on my face could have made anyone ask that.
“No.. Nothing”
“Hey that’s a nice song they’re playing! I never thought these guys played songs like these. All I’ve heard at cafes is either that crazy boy band ‘BSB’ ”

Suddenly my attention is drawn towards the song. The Eagles are singing ‘Welcome to the hotel California, such a nice surprise..’ Well obviously it is a nice surprise that she likes the song.

“You like the song!” I speak more incredulously than questioningly.
“ Don’t you? I just love listening to The Eagles and Deep Purple. What music do you listen to?”
“I.. I listen to Pink floyd and metallica. In general I like classic rock” I say, but somehow my speech is not coherent with my thoughts. She’s one strange girl.
“ How long are we here?” she asks.
Now what kind of a question is that? Does she want to leave? Am I making her uncomfortable?
“ What do you mean?”
“I meant to ask are you in a hurry?”
“No, Why?”
“I heard you liked playing chess! I too fancy myself as a decent player. How about a game?”
I can only nod. She gets up to get the chessboard.
MY head seems to be full of cotton wool. Even god cannot take so any surprises at once, I’m only human. What the hell is happening? Am I dreaming? And in one crazy moment I decide to pinch myself and confirm my status.

“OUCH!!”
Heads turn to look at me.
“Ah!, so Mr. Dubey finally decided to come to the real world of Digital signal processing. Welcome! What happened? A bad dream” Sarcasm drips from Professor Gupta’s voice. I look around, bleary eyed and embaressed.
“S..Sorry sir!”
“Get out of the class. NOW!!”
I walk out, among laughs and mock snoring sounds; still numbed by the shocks I got in the dream.
I have’nt met her yet and my mind is already playing tricks! I wonder if girls possess some supernatural powers. Are they from another planet? On a mission to distract the boys?